The Midnight News 6.11.01 

Posted By Hyatte on 06.11.01

HBK, Hollywood Duane Johnson, Hacksaw, Honky, Chyna, and Message Board Action. 

Bah!

Well, another week is here. A slight wind is gently breezing south by southwest. I know this because apparently, knowing which way the wind is blowing is a specialty of mine. Well, that and ragging on someone so hard that they try licking my sack in order to make amends. (Too late for that, Sperm Bank, MUCH too late). 

Nothing worse that a web guy dedicating a whole column to crying that no one gives him feedback anymore and when they do, it's not the kind they were hoping for. (Yet *I'M* "addicted to fame"?)

But, you didn't come for that. Let's roll with some quick news, plugs, Honky, then the message boards where the poor guys at 1Bob get REAMED.

CHYNESE TAKE OUT

Of course, the burning question on the Net this weekend was, "So, how DO I get a girl to go out with me?" Ironically (well, maybe not), this was the burning question last weekend too.... and the weekend before that.... and the one before that.... and the one before that... etc.

The second FAQ of the weekend was "Where the hell has Chyna been?" 

Well, RF Video has an answer. It seems that Chyna's out getting minor surgery in an undisclosed location (Show me LIPO ON THE BOOTY!!! *DING* #1 ANSWER!!!!). It's nothing serious and she'll be back before anyone realizes that she wasn't missed. 

HACKSNORE

The pop machine himself "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan took time away from his BUSY (*coughgardeningcleaninghisgutterstyinghisshoeshack*) schedule to do an interview with Jeff Kohl from the "LAW". Jeff has a nickname, but it's a dumb one and I shant soil my fine news column by repeating it. So PFFTH.

-Duggan says that his website was created on the recommendation of Hugh Morrus, who enjoys interacting with fans on his very own site. (Word of caution.... Hugh likes TO YELL A LOT!!!). Duggan's site has a bio, his schedule, and subscription info for his very own newsletter. (I've been there.... it SUCKS)

-Hacksaw admits to not being contacted by anyone in the WWF, but feels that he is still on good terms with Vince McMahon, and is sure that he'll be headlining next year's Wrestlemania against Chris Benoit. He says that he keeps checking his phone to make sure it's working, then gets nervous that The WWF might have tried to call him while he had the phone off the hook to check if it's working. He says that his wife and kids have been barred from using the phone anymore.... until he gets the call.

-Duggan feels that there must be one captain per ship... which is why WCW fell. He also said that WCW would have succeeded were it not for that damn white whale and Bischoff's obsession with it. 

-Duggan feels that the best chance to counter the WWF Juggernaut is a new company with a family feel to it, no profanity and no obscene gestures. (Wrestling for the whole family? BRING ON THE MATRATS!!!!! BISCHOFF KNOWS ALL ABOUT CLEAN LIVING!!!)

-Duggan refused to say whether he has been in contact with any family friendly promotion.... then publicly stated that Hulk Hogan was a wonderful human being.

-Duggan didn't like turning Heel and Canadian at the same time, (Christ, who would?).... and felt that he had a lot more to offer by remaining the "American Hero" (he hasn't "offered" diddly squish for the last 20 years in that role!!!)

-This idiot doesn't realize that the "Canadian Duggan" was the best damn thing to ever happen to him since the Cancer!! "Shut your mouth, WOMAN" was one of the all time GREATEST lines in his career!!

-Duggan is in perfect health these days.... by the way.

-Even if he was a Multi-Millionaire, he'd still work the smallest Indy show at the hickest town this side of Bosnia.... because he loves the business and the business loves HIM! HOOOOOOO!

Anyway, to snag the whole, entire interview (yeah, there's MORE) go visit
Jeff the (no way in hell)'s site

ROCKY'S REVENGE??

Drooling over the return of The Rock on tonight's Raw? What are you, a homo?

Keep dreaming, dopey.... RF Video says it ain't happening tonight. Go cry into your Barbie collection.

FINALLY, A FRIGGIN' ANSWER

For weeks now, I've been asking why Wade Keller and his The Torch remain so vague about exactly what exactly did they mean when they said Shawn Michaels was sent home from the WWF for being "in no condition to perform". Well, in the STRANGEST damn place, Keller finally comes clean.

In his "Ask the Torch" column, he answers someone's question about HBK's status by stating that Michaels has a problem with "prescription pain pills" and said problem was evident when he showed up to launch his return to on-air action. Now, I would ask which kind of pain pills.... but why bother?

Cretin.

BUT, PLUGS

Well, Danny Birdwell seems determined to recap
Jakked on a timely basis, although for the life of me, I can't see why anyone would want to KNOW what happened on Jakked. But, what the hell.

This week's 411's Showcase Commentary is a piece by "Dymond Dave" concerning his problems.... or the problem with Shawn Michaels. I chose it because it is an extremely well crafted essay. He makes his case and constructs it sharply. It's a fine blueprint for you people out there who are struggling to write a column. Oh, and the man re-wrote the column three times before I posted it. That's dedication.

HONKY TONKS FOR THE MEMORIES

For a change of pace. I scoured the Honky Tonk Man's message boards and pulled 3 questions asked by posters and Honky's answers to them. It was a bit of an effort, finding his juiciest answers, but I think you'll like what I found.

1) What was your favorite promotion to work for, and why? 

had to be with the Fullers the Pensacola territory. Hell they gave you a $20.00 bonus then sold you $40.00 dollars of weed. What some cons, they all are. They call them, Promoters.

2) I was reading about a legends of wrestling video game that is in the works for playstation 2...supposed to have like 30 characters. Is there any chance you'll be in that game or another? I've created my own HTM on the games that are currently out, but it just ain't the same! Thanks again in advance... 

Acclaim tried to fu-k me on the money. They lied to me about what they were paying and I caught them before I signed the deal. They will go on the "ass whipping" list.

3) I was just wondering who came up with your gimmick up in New York? And who is the biggest *****(wrestler) you were ever associated with in the WWF. Like someone who was scared all the time, and bullied by others. 

I created the gimmick. When you said ass---in the locker room 20 guys word say "are you talking about me."

There ya go. It's a lot tougher finding wrestler's sites where the wrestlers actually have something interesting or even funny to say. You try it sometime, F-Sticks

To wrap things up.... everyone's favorite Monday Guilty Pleasure....

ACROSS THE BOARDS

"Chris Hyatte Ate My Balls. He did!" 

"One night after an ECW show at Wonderland in Revere,Mass.,Tommy Rich sort of staggered up to me and asked me if I knew 'where the projects is at,so's I can get me some o' them there
Italian"drugs,you know,cocaaayyyynnne!'.I was so taken aback by a former NWA World Champion(hey,4 days is 4 days)asking me that that I really didn't know what to say. Sad." 

"My GOD, I'm gonna get m'self an Ice Cream sandwich from the ice cream truck and watch some Transformers...."

"hogan is a fool, and his investors are even more foolish. no one wants to see a bunch of fifty year old men make fools of themselves( ok, i kinda want to)" 

"yes, we did get a letter from WWFE's lawyers about the Vince McMahon clip we posted last weekend. And, yes, the letter also took issue with our recaps of WWF events. We are willing to work with WWFE's lawyers to find an amicable solution to all this, but I feel that our recaps are protected by fair use statutes in the US Code."

"Chris Jericho is the best possible opponent Austin could have right now. Do you realize that this match between Austin and the sawed-off midget midcarder who'll never draw because his ringwork is sloppy and his promos are too comical outdrew every main event the WWF has done since Wrestlemania, the lone exception being Austin v Rock the night after." 

"Nah. We judge wrestling on what gives us a boner. People like to delude themselves into believing it's something else." 

"Paul E has a keen acerbic sense of humour and takes care to carefully elucidate the finer points of the plot and the mat action, where as The King is just a good ol' boy who likes tits"

"Wrestlezone.com and Prowrestling.com both now *confirmed* that Bret has signed with the new WCW."

"Has anyone else noticed that Japanese commentators call ANY vertical suplex type thingy a BRAINBUSTA!? What's up with that? Is the Japanese brain in the ass?" 

"Rhyno was on a local radio station last Monday, and used the line "I like animals", which turns out to be the same line that the stalker used while spying on Sara Monday night."

"I might Seem Bizzare...But I've Always Found Linda Very Boinkable...Dunno Why...She seems like a Good Head Giver." 

"Single most disturbing thing I've EVER read, and I know a guy that hooked up with a goat!" 

"So...youve left Wrestleline and youre about to hit 30? Two momentous moments in your life Christopher Robin...perhaps its time to take hold of Pooh`s hand and head for bed ! (for the vast majority of the illiterate readers here...go check your library"

"I don't know why she's gone but its the best possible thing to happen to WWF TV. As Chyna is the worst character in wrestling history."

"Rick Martel blinds Jake Roberts with Arrogance on Brother Love show. Any feud where the blowoff match is two guys stumbling around with bags over their heads is cool with me."

"Did anybody else notice that the July 9 Raw is live in Atlanta? With the "Invasion" supposedly kicking into high gear in July, you don't think that they would use the old home of WCW to get it going, do you?" 

"It's always duck season and you're looking at Elmer f'n Fudd right here..."

"Hey, Britney Spears has a good future as the next Heather Locklear."

"What's with all these big heads in the WWF? Where's Kevin Nash to make sense of all this???"

"I'm hoping it's the Big Show just so I can laugh at the fact of a 7'0" 550 lb guy "stalking" somebody."

"Why you care about this So Much..Who Cares? One Way or the other...you still get the same Shit...Why F**king Obsess about Scott Kieth? Does He Suck You Off at night and Tuck you in and read Goldilocks?"

"I met Chris Jericho at an autograph signing last week. He is a really small guy. 5'9" I'd say. I was very surprised." 

"I doubt Vince is going to fire Guerrero,but if he did I doubt Hogan's promotion would take him because he is missing three things. 1.he's not over 40 2.he's not one of Hogan's buddies 3.He can work a match"

"I can see it now... Bret appears at a WWF HOF induction at the 2012 Slammy's... Bob Ryder crawls out of whatever hole he is in at the time screaming... "I WAS RIGHT I WAS RIGHT!!!! SEE I'M ONE OF THE BOYS!!! THE BOYS DON'T WORK ME!!!!"

"Don't y'all get it? His ACL is a highly trained ligament with great workrate that only appeared to tear and unravel all the way back up his leg. Jeez, wrestling is SO fake." 

"The person who emailed me didn't mention Scott. He said that the story in question was on a site I never heard of (Smarks.com I think). That is what I never heard of, not Scott. To also clear the slate on what Scott said, and I wouldn't have brought this up if he hadn't, but Rick Scaia asked me if we (1Wrestling) had interest in the Maniacs crew because their deal with WrestleLine was up. I told him we had some interest in him, but we did not want the rest of his crew. It was nothing personal, but we didn't need them." Dave Scherer

"Dave - this is a distortion of the truth. In your original news item (6/2/2001 6:08:31 PM), you mentioned not only thesmarks.com - but also Scott Keith. There is proof of it: Oops. You deleted the news item. That is odd. Oh well, we have a copy of it if you spin this. We also have proof that you have told other 1wrestling people to "glom" (your word, not mine) spoilers and other reports from Lords of Pain and Rajah. Of course, you have them pretend a fake reader sent it in."

"You appear to be somewhat opinionated, as well as a complete a**hole. I'm sure that you could go far in the online world-you're easily on a par with Scott Keith." 

"My name is Bret Hart. You killed my brother. Prepare to die." 

"1wrestling.com is now no differenet than any fan site where marks rip off news items from reliable sources and then make up their own false stories. People never believe a thing 1wrestling.com reports ever again! They are just looking for website hits!"

"It's laughable that we would be accused of "glomming" from sites like those you mention when even a brief look at those sites would show that almost all of their news items originates on 1Wrestling, or the Observer or Torch sites." Bob Ryder

"Bob Ryder is irrelevant, his site is so confusing that it actually instills rage in me -- I feel like kicking dogs and stomping flowers after navigating his maze of cheap sell-out pop tarts. Hey Bob, Al Isaacs called, he says he'll see you in the press pit at Heroes of Wrestling. pompous ass." 

"Just as long as that Eddy wasn't smoking cigarettes. Tobacco kills and he's a roll model to millions of fly white guys like that goon squad that watches all that pourusso in Death Valley. Yep, it was probably tobacco -- they should fire his sp** ass before he kills himself and millions of low rider children." 

"Please do us the giant favor and _don't_ troll Hyatte over here. I don't need the work out of policing any of that nonsense. :)"

WHAT?? What do I do? Raise Hell? Stir up sheeit?

Ugh.... this is why I never post on these boards with any regularity. Everyone takes everything so seriously. 

Newsflash.... EVERYONE IS A MARK!! 

Just try to be the right kind of Mark. Like me. 

Tomorrow, I'm filling this column with nothing but my own personal insecurities.... just for for the sake of petty SPITE!!! 

This is Hyatte